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October 24, 2009

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Hungry Suburban Mom

We are one of the families who make over whatever the guidelines are (according to something on the web called SNAP)for qualifying for help. Because of auto and dental expenses and other unforeseen costs that have come up, we are stretched to the limit. People don't know what middle-class deprivation 'looks like' because they believe it isn't real and because we are good at hiding it. Here's a few:

I avoid having kid play dates here because I don't have healthy food to offer, only cheap food , AKA junk food whatever is on sale rather than what I WISH I could get. I dread being invited to any socializing where people might ask me to bring food or bring a home made lunch for my kids, that somehow I will be found out, that people might 'know' we are not doing ok.

I notice what people are eating all the tie and find myself staring at people leaving restaurants or enjoying a deli meal.

I have taken food from the teacher lounge leftovers that are left out when no one is there. This could be bread or donuts.

I don't eat the meat portion at dinner, but give it to my husband and sons, and pretend I ate my share earlier to make whatever we can buy go further.

I have stolen a box of cereal or can of something out of various bins at locations if I can get away with it.
I lie about where it came from if noticed. "Oh it must have been left in the trunk of the car from a previous shopping trip."

I use smoking cigarettes even when I don't want to so I am not as hungry. Cigarettes and coffee have a way of staving off the calling for real food, especially if I a not around it, or have to smell it. I avoid shopping centers for this reason, I can always smell good food cooking and it is torture.

Whenever there is free food anywhere offered I pig out and try to steal non perishables to take home if I can.

I buy cheap food for myself or try to fill up on pasta or sugary drinks or coffee for energy so I can give my family the better food.

I don't sleep well because I often go to bed hungry, even if I thought I had filled up on pasta or rice.
I feel tired a lot of the time and it is a big effort to do anything that requires concentration. I have to write myself notes so I don't forget stuff.

I have asked my in laws to babysit and lied about having appointments just because I know they will feed the kids better food than I have and maybe I can then make the last apple or banana stretch another day.

I have asked for an empty cup and used it to fill it up with milk at a coffeeshop and taken it home. I routinely steal sugar and whatever I can get from places like this or crackers fro the soup display. I have eaten food in the supermarket or asked for samples at the deli with no intention to buy just because I was so hungry myself and wanted to have meat or cheese so badly. I feel ashamed and embarrassed at this.

I feel like if anyone knew they either would not believe me, or would somehow blame me, or would just have contempt for either myself or my husband. I am afraid to go to a food resource place because after taking the SNAP online qualifying quiz , I don't think we are officially poor enough to qualify because we have a mortgage. My husband probably makes about 50-60k a year and I know that is not dirt poor, but with bills that have come up, we are still struggling. Sure there are plenty of websites (and one can judge me for having a computer too I suppose, even though we only pay 10 bucks a month for access)that tell of how to live on beans and rice but most kids wont eat that and real, good food you cant buy in bulk and freeze when it is on sale, like produce. We already use every coupon we can and utilize every combination of coupons and sales.

I have not bought new clothes for myself about ten years and get a lot of stuff from scavenging what people have left at good will drop offs as far as clothing or household goods discarded. We don't have cell phones, working indoor heat (it broke shortly after we bought the house almost 10 yrs ago) or a clothes dryer( that broke 6 months ago) so don't tell me that I probably have a plasma TV and all this other stuff. We don't. I have been a stay home mom partially because jobs I could get in the past didn't justify the high gas, and what I might spend on food and gas and clothing to work. I could not get into my college's MA program despite a high GPA and repeating prerequisites to try and get a real job, but suspect I am not in some special group that gets priority.

I feel so bad I am supposed to be living the American Dream but instead a hungry, defeated, and afraid.

Sincerely,

Ashamed to be middle-class, white and hungry in the bay area


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